


New Doubt

by semi_automatic



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Doubt, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, New Year's Eve, New Years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 06:45:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5698864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/semi_automatic/pseuds/semi_automatic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As long as he doesn’t spiral further, doesn’t shut himself away, doesn’t fuck up and hurt Josh, this can work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	New Doubt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [twenty_one_plants](https://archiveofourown.org/users/twenty_one_plants/gifts).



> basically a vent fic oop

New Years Eve.

 

Tyler sits alone, in his recliner, all of the lights are on in his house, some New Years Eve special playing on his TV.

 

He had forgotten it was even New Years Eve until almost two in the afternoon, which was just shortly after he had woken up from sleeping-pill induced dreaming. He’d tried to overdose on those pills once. 

 

He couldn’t remember if he had told Josh that.

 

Oh, well. 

 

Eyes flickering to his phone, checking the time. Almost eleven at night, fireworks were already going off outside. 

 

A message from Josh.

 

It was almost nine where Josh lived. Tyler talked to him almost all day, every day. Phone calls until six in the morning, hundreds of messages every day, pictures, imagining futures together. 

 

Josh was having anxiety again.

 

Tyler didn’t mind helping him at all. He wanted to get rid of Josh’s anxiety. The only issue was, he was having anxiety of his own, anxiety about how to end the year, about how to start the next year. About getting better, about resolutions he couldn’t keep, about staying alive.

 

But he would try to calm Josh down before he tells him this. He doesn’t want to upset Josh. He doesn’t want to send Josh into another panic of  _ “I’m sorry” _ because there was nothing to be sorry for.

 

Tyler should be sorry for always making Josh feel like he should be sorry. 

 

It dawns on Tyler, in the middle of explaining his own anxieties, that he doesn’t want to end this year, or start the new one, having not showered in a week. 

 

He tells Josh he’s going to shower, stands up to go look for his favorite clothes that he’ll wear afterwards, and checks to see if Josh has messaged him again as he digs through folded clothes.

 

_ “I’m sorry.” _

 

Shit, Tyler made him feel bad again.

 

He asks what’s wrong, and Josh tells him he’s scared of Tyler leaving him, of Tyler getting tired of him, of Tyler saying he doesn’t love Josh anymore.

 

This has come up before.

 

This has come up many, many times, Tyler always trying to assure Josh that this won’t happen, that he loves him, but sometimes Tyler feels like he can’t express it enough for Josh to believe him.

 

Tyler isn’t good at wording things.

 

Tyler is afraid he’ll word things wrong and upset Josh by saying something he doesn’t mean. 

 

The topic of if Tyler loves Josh, if he’ll leave him, has come up so much. So much, Tyler has begun to doubt himself. He wants to love Josh. He doesn’t want to leave Josh.

 

He wants Josh to make him happy.

 

It’s so fucking hard to make Tyler happy anymore.

 

The doubt doesn’t lie in Tyler leaving Josh because Josh doesn’t make him happy, but then again, it does. But not Josh specifically. Nothing is really making Tyler happy anymore.

 

Tyler isn’t doubting if he loves Josh because Josh is doing anything wrong. He’s doubting it because he’s hardly feeling anything at all.

 

He wants Josh to make him happy, he does, he does, he does.

 

He doesn’t want to doubt it.

 

Tyler thinks that the problem is because they live on nearly opposite sides of the country. Because Tyler craves touch, because Tyler feels alone, because phone calls are nice but again, he’s feeling less and less, and his own mind makes him question every fucking thing.

 

Sometimes, he’s not even sure Josh is real.

 

Sometimes, he’s almost convinced Josh is someone his mind made up, he’s convinced half of his life is just another hallucination, sometimes imagines he himself is a hallucination.

 

He also thinks, thinks a lot, that Josh doesn’t love him.

 

He convinces himself that this is all a joke, all games, that he’s getting used, that he’s being lied to.

 

Sometimes that feeling gets all too real.

 

Sometimes he thinks he’ll never be happy.

 

This all hits him a billion times as he tells Josh he’d only ever leave him because he pushed everyone out, but that it wouldn’t be Josh’s fault, and Josh would very nearly be the last to go.

 

He doesn’t say this right.

 

He shouldn’t have said it at all. 

 

He can’t take it anymore as Josh begs him not to leave, he’s scared and he’s doubting everything and he only has forty minutes until the new year.

 

Normally, he would stay until Josh was better, no matter how upset Tyler got, but he can’t take it, he can’t.

 

He tells Josh one more time that he’s going to shower, puts his phone down, and leaves.

 

He thinks about all of this as he showers, in the dark, his bathroom light is out and he can’t fix it.

 

The feeling of not feeling, is the worst feeling in the world, especially when it means doubting you can ever love anyone, can ever be happy, can ever make someone else happy.

 

Tyler changes into his favorite clothes, tries to dry his hair, walks back to his room.

 

Ten minutes until the new year.

 

Josh got freaked out, but says that he’s calmed down now.

 

When Tyler responds, Josh asks if he fucked up.

 

He didn’t, because Tyler wants him to know that it’s okay to be anxious, he doesn’t want Josh to feel like there’s anything he can’t share with Tyler, even if it upsets Tyler, hiding things is unhealthy in a relationship.

 

But isn’t that what Tyler is doing?

 

Oh well.

 

He feels too guilty about all of this to admit it to Josh.

 

Tyler says it isn’t Josh who fucked up, it’s Tyler’s own mind that is fucked. This is the truth that Tyler believes. Josh isn’t making mistakes, Tyler is just getting upset because he’s fucking broken.

 

Josh disagrees, tells Tyler he’ll get better.

 

Tyler changes the subject.

 

It’s minutes until midnight, Tyler puts on a playlist he made for this moment.

 

Josh tries to videocall Tyler, and Tyler hangs up. He needs to hear this song as the year turns. He steps outside, into the cold, to see if he can see any fireworks.

 

**_But I know we made it this far, kid…_ **

 

Tyler sends Josh a picture of a kissy face at midnight his time, Josh’s picture sends minutes late, a picture of his wall as well.

 

Tyler tries to feel better.

 

He sings along as the song ends, watches a few small fireworks. Less than usual.

 

Texting a few people he considered friends the same joke he texted them every single year.

 

Back inside, new song.

 

**_I’m taking over my body, back in control…_ **

 

Tyler turns it off. He doesn’t want to listen to music right now.

 

Talk of spending the holidays with Josh, Tyler says he looks forward to it but it’s too hard to really imagine the future for this to be completely true, but it definitely isn’t false.

 

Josh asks if Tyler really wants to be with him in person, really wants to live with him.

 

Tyler tries to assure him he does, despite doubts that he’ll be happy then. Not because of Josh.

 

Because of himself.

 

But he does want to be with Josh in person.

 

He wants it so much it hurts, it hurts, it nearly makes him cry. 

 

Would he believe Josh then? Would Josh believe him? Would he finally feel something?

 

Josh explains.

 

Tyler understands, but he finds it hard to say he understands without sounding like he doesn’t care. A constant problem.

 

But Josh tells him that he isn’t the problem, and this makes Tyler feel the slightest bit better, though his mind reminds him of the doubt.

 

Josh tells him that he’s becoming convinced the relationship will work.

 

The reminder becomes screaming in his head.

 

He tries to calm himself.

 

Half an hour into the new year, he manages to spill tea all into his drawer by his bed, getting a bit on the watercolor paintings he had been making Josh for Christmas, already late.

 

Maybe they’re okay, maybe it will add to the art.

 

He doesn’t want to check the damage.

 

Writing to calm himself.

 

Mild panic because he’s admitting the doubt to Josh, it’s muddy muddy muddy and Josh is going to take it the wrong way.

 

He does, for a moment.

 

He panics.

 

Tyler panics.

 

Everyone is talking.

 

Too much and he’s feeling and he needs to get it out.

 

He’s gonna hurt Josh.

 

He’s so fucked up, he’s gonna hurt Josh.

 

Tyler ignores Josh for a while and he knows that hurts Josh, but if Tyler spoke it would probably just hurt him more because Tyler can’t get words out right.

 

It isn’t because of Josh.

 

It’s because Tyler isn’t right.

 

Josh is going to leave him because he isn’t right.

 

Tyler is going to hurt Josh way, way too much. 

 

Headache.

 

Breathe.

 

Josh says he’s going to work on his anxiety, and Tyler is glad, both because he wants Josh to feel better, and because he wants his own doubt to stop.

 

He wants to help with Josh’s anxiety. It isn’t that it’s too much, but it’s that Josh doubts Tyler’s love so much, Tyler had begun doubting it, too.

 

Tyler craves touch suddenly, wanting to curl up in Josh’s chest. His head hurts. He’s scared, he’s feeling wrong in his body again. His new years resolution is to lose weight. He’s going to stop eating meat this year, he’s going to eat less, he wants to feel right.

 

He wants Josh to hold him.

 

This would be easier if they were together.

 

Breathing. Trying to. Wanting to run.

 

Things would be easier if they were together.

 

Tyler wants to feel better, he thinks Josh could make that happen, actions speak louder than words but all they have are words right now.

 

Silent actions are what Tyler is good at, unable to speak feelings, unable to speak when he’s feeling, or feeling the feeling of not feeling.

 

Every fiber in him, every nerve ending, every single star he was made up of hurts with the wanting to just curl up against Josh and cry out every bad thing.

 

The headache becomes splitting.

 

He’s going to be too much.

 

He isn’t good at giving. He freezes up when people are upset. Repeats himself. Goes silent. Cries.

 

Josh says he’ll help with this, and this comforts a part of Tyler. But the broken part  _ knows  _ that it will just upset Josh to have to help Tyler because Tyler gets upset when Josh is upset, it’s an evil cycle, spiraling down down down--

 

Tyler can’t take the headache anymore. He gets up to find aspirin.

 

He tries to shut up the broken part of himself, but he’s not sure which part is which anymore.

 

_ That’s why he called it Blurry, because he was never sure where the line was drawn between the good him and the bad him, right and wrong, what was his thoughts and what was thoughts caused by mental illnesses, who was what and what was real. A moral dilemma, too much gray area of battlegrounds. _

 

Tyler’s thoughts are too muddy.

 

Gulping down water. He’s gonna quit soda this year too, he thinks.

 

_ After this one last Dr. Pepper… _

 

Nervous strums of a ukulele, bits of a song with no words, he didn’t write any of the song down but he remembered how it should sound.

 

Reading more of what Josh says, still feeling the too-much gray area, realizing he didn’t say some things quite right.

 

Wishing he could transfer his thoughts into someone else so they would understand.

 

Too much gray, too much of Blurry, too hard to explain, too hard to draw a line.

 

Checking messages, Josh has calmed down, Tyler is calming down.

 

It all still feels funny, but he’s less panicky.

 

Breathing, breathing.

 

A new year.

 

He just has to get through a few more before he can be with Josh.

 

He just has to not fuck up before then.

 

He just has to not let the doubt eat him alive from the inside out.

 

As he strums his ukulele, he starts to listen to what Josh says, starts to believe him.

 

This can work.

 

This can work.

 

As long as he doesn’t spiral further, doesn’t shut himself away, doesn’t fuck up and hurt Josh, this can work.

  
  


_ As long as the gray area doesn’t become the only area. _

 

_ Blurry’s the one I’m  _ **_not._ **

 

_ Wishing he could express this better. Wishing that line was clearer. _

  
  


_ His head is splitting, but he thinks maybe it’s merging. _

 

_ Too much gray. _

 

_ He wants to beat Blurry. _

 

_ He wants Josh to help him draw the line in chalk. _

  
  


_ He doesn’t want to be eaten alive. _

  
  


Tyler breathes.

 

**_Who is Blurryface?_ **


End file.
